Journal entry 10-12-06

"For most of my life I have held that it is worse to feel something wonderful and have it snatched away than to have never experienced it. It was torture when my mom would hug me and tell me she loved me and then the next day yell and hurt me. I wanted to be hardened. To not enjoy the first part so that the second wouldn't hurt so badly. With Matt I felt something wonderful and thought there could be something more later. I see it all coming to nothing now. Disappointment.

If I hadn't hoped I would not feel so bad. Still, thinking about it, would I really want to live in a world that was completely cold? Back to my mother. If she had never hugged me and said she loved me- If all there was was fear- there may have been no disappointment and no hunger for the good but without those things it may have been much tougher for me to see that good existed. Maybe it is the disappointment that shows me how much I need the One who will not disappoint. Maybe I could have more readily accepted the dark. Maybe- I think all I can do is hope. But this hope must be placed in God. All else is a gift from Him or a gifte taken away by Him. I can give up and not want to experience the good or I can accept it knowing that it can be taken. I can know that the Ultimate Good will always be."